MARCH IS HERE
Month three of the year already? Really? I swear time moves so much faster than when I was young. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day anymore. I remember any time I'd ask to go to the shops, visit a friend, go to the park when I was younger Mum would always say "in an hour". "In and hour" - man, it was soul crushing. An hour felt like she was blatantly saying no. Now, I can't even brush my teeth in an hour, feels like that time goes before I put toothpaste to toothbrush.
This year has been good so far; very busy, but it's always better being busy than bored. January and February flew by. I am the busiest I've ever been at work - ever! Somehow I am managing it all, although I do hope it quietens down soon. That doesn't look very likely at this point though. I don't manage stress well so I'm being tested, but proud of how I'm handling it.
I celebrated my birthday amongst loved ones which was great, and the first time I've genuinely enjoyed my birthday since Mumbo left us. It was a nice change, and one I definitely savoured and was grateful for. After my birthday though, I really struggled with anxiety and depression.
Of course drinking contributes to that, and mixes with my medication but I usually feel different around big events such as my birthday, Mothers Day, Christmas anyway. It's hard to explain but its almost as if my body and subconscious reacts to the knowledge these days are different, that Mum is not here, without me knowing or approving that feeling. All of a sudden I feel consumed in anxiety and a melancholic state of mind. Really self depreciating. It's only then that I look back and try and find a reason or cause for those feelings, and the only thing I can identify is the fact it happens around big celebrations. I'm no expert, but it's what I feel. I've been told I have an adjustment disorder (sounds like a bullshit term but anyway), it makes sense I guess, maybe I find it difficult adjusting to the change in those days. Not so much for my episode after my Birthday, I really feel pressure at work and work load contributed. It put my Bikinis on hold, and I felt like I was beginning to lose control over my goals, fall behind, which makes it easy to throw yourself into the "you're so useless" pile. More often than not it's the booze, though.
I don't usually drink around those times for that reason. If I'm honest I don't really drink anymore - it does not agree with me, my body or my mind; it's not worth the trouble. I have a cheeky one here and there, thats no problem, but I have to be careful with what type of alcohol I drink and how much. If I don't monitor it well, I'm usually in for three days of hell, after that the feelings subside. When I know there are more contributing factors than just alcohol I'll adjust my medication to help cope. Its all about balance and managing your limits. I'm getting much better at it.
I felt sorry for my partner, he coped the brunt of my mood swings and out right bitchiness and difficulty. He couldn't blink without me crying or snapping. I really admire him for his support when I'm like that, he never complains just cops it on the chin. It's so unfair, I feel bad for it but I remind myself that's what partners do for each other. It's important for me to make sure he knows it's not him or anything he's done, just my issues. I always try to apologise for putting so much on him when I behave unfavourable; and although I don't get it right every time, he never holds it against me, never treats me differently, and is always very accepting and forgiving when I crawl back with my tail in-between my legs after being a psycho bitch. He even bought me flowers despite my brattiness. I'm very lucky to have such an amazing dude in my life.
My love spoilt me on my Birthday, and he signed me up to an 8 Week Challenge. It started on Monday with InBody Scan and fitness tests to give us a starting point. I'm onto day four and I'm fucking sore, aha wowsers. I'm not a weightlifter, I'm the chick at the gym who has a panic attack around the weights because I have no idea what I'm doing. The old ball and chain has been so great and supportive. He came to my scans and then took me to the gym and showed me how to use everything, what technique I need, he determined what weights I should be doing. My own PT ahah. My diet is the biggest challenge though. I need to put on Muscle Mass and I have the smallest appetite so the amount of food I actually need to eat is more than I can. He's helping me with my protein and how I can ingest it in other ways, and all my other supplements I may need. Yay! I love learning from him.
Day four and I'm sore. Tonight is a light cardio session - thank God. I haven't hit pads though so I really want to do that tonight. I'll see how I feel at the gym after work. I may just stretch for seven hours aha.
I've made progress on my bikinis, I've finally finished all my SPEC sheets for each style and design. I've locked in four prints which I'll be exclusively licensing - yay!! Time to start the sample process (again *rolls eyes*) but this time it's going to be right! I'm so excited. I've dreamt about the day my bulk order arrives and I open it to find everything perfect. I just picture myself crying among 1200 pairs of bikinis, pure tears of joy. I can't wait til that day.
Anyway that's all from me for now. I don't have much else to update you on. I'm excited to see my progress over the next eight weeks - increase muscle and balance my upper-lower section, put on some weight and build my core strength. I'm also so excited to eat at Winner Winner again. They only serve different types of fried chicken, it's absolutely delicious.
BOOM. Everything is about to be coming up Elle!
